"Cheese has always been good to me."
Jim Friteuse

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Chapter 25: THE GARRE GANG

A hostile takeover of the Garrē Gang took place on the 15th October 1986. The five former members of the gang were replaced by a gang that were much more determined and ruthless. Fortunately, the police records of the five new members are still available for the public to see in the Orangatanga Police Record Museum. 

Martin Garre mugshot

“A wonderful museum. Walk around to the strains of Every Breath You Take, looking at all the police records of Orangatanga from 1899 to the present day,” says the Lonely Planet Guide to the Police Record Museums of New Zealand.

The now out of print Prison Record Museums of New Zealand
The police records of the new gang have not been published since the spectacular capture of Martin Garré and his more intelligent wife.

Name: Merrill, James
Alias: Nosher
Age: Unknown
Height: 5’10”
Hair: Yes
Eyes: Both of them
Complexion: Weary
Where Born: In Hospital
Occupation: Criminal
Distinguishing Marks: A+ in Religious Studies
Nosher Merrill seems to be the leader of the five-man crew that replaced the previous five-man crew that disappeared without a trace on a rainy night in Georgia. Despite his brutish appearance Nosher has a passion for bonsai. “For once in my life,” he is reported to have said to the warden, “I feel fine, but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.” It was said that when he was in his cell on a previous conviction for dwarf rolling he had a whole forest of tiny trees which he nurtured with love and care. Nobody was allowed to touch them and, in fact when one inmate moved one of his precious trees, Nosher responded by saying, “That’s not the way – ah ha ah ha – I like them,” before knocking the inmate into the middle of next week. When he was not involved with his bonsai he indulged himself in the ancient art of bare-knuckle fighting where he fought only weasly looking men called Warren. 

Name: Bradley, George
Alias: Big Daddy
Age: Unknown
Height: Quite tall
Hair: Thinning
Eyes: Blue
Complexion: Worn
Where Born: Somewhere
Occupation: Criminal
Distinguishing Marks: Scar on Right Side of Cheek

George Bradley mugshot

Big Daddy Bradley has a history of explosives related crimes. He started blowing things up as early as the age of six when he placed a small explosive charge under the seat of the toilet and waited for his father to sit down. The charge worked on the weight of the subject and after a particularly spicy curry, his father sat down to do his business and as soon as the faecal matter left his backside and plopped into the bowl the charge went off, blowing his him off the toilet and out through the wall, where he landed safely (apart from the 1st degree burns to his posterior)into the next-door neighbour’s wheelbarrow. Since then Big Daddy has blown up buses, boats and many more toilets.

Name: Nixon, Claire
Alias: Flat Face
Age: Didn’t ask
Height: 5’6”
Hair: On Head
Eyes: Normal
Complexion: Soft
Where Born: In Bed
Occupation: Criminal
Distinguishing Marks: A Flat Face

Claire Nixon mugshot

Following an allergic reaction to an ant eater’s tongue Ms Nixon’s face inflated to three times its normal size. She came from a very well to do family in Wellington and indeed was already a published author before she turned to a life of crime. Her book Meals My Maids Made was an instant success amongst the upper crust of New Zealand. Abandoned by her family after her face looked like it was never going to return to its normal size, Ms Nixon wandered the streets looking for work. Several jobs in the circus were offered to her – lion tamer, target for the knife thrower and human trampoline, until she met and fell in love with Nosher Merrill. She specialises in poisoning her victims or hitting them over the head with metal objects, usually cans.

The now out of print Meals My Maids Made
Name: Orlovsky, Peter
Alias: Brains
Age: Undetermined
Height: 5’10”
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Complexion: Pale
Where Born: Paddington
Occupation: Criminal
Distinguishing Marks: Wears glasses

Peter Orlovsky mugshot

Mr Orlovsky is definitely the brains of the new, improved Garré gang, as he is the only one with any formal qualifications. Being British he naturally thinks he is more intelligent than the rest of the gang and he is not averse to showing his colleagues in crime his treasured B grade GCE Certificate in Geography. Orlovsky is a key member of the gang as it is he who puts together all the plans for any future activities, like the time when they raided the local Amusement Arcade in Nikkinakkinori and got away with a number of one-armed bandits (who have recently been recaptured) and several hundred dollars worth of small change. Police said that it was “a daring raid but they didn’t hit the jackpot” as there were several million dollars in a nearby safe that had been left open by a disgruntled employee.

Name: Dickinson, Emily
Alias: Kick Ass
Age: Undetermined
Height: Quite small
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Complexion: Tanned
Where Born: New Zealand
Occupation: Criminal
Distinguishing Marks: 20

Emily Dickinson mugshot

Coming from a family of martial arts experts, Ms Dickinson won the coveted High Kicking and Origami Championship in Wongawonga in 1975. She was hired by a number of dodgy characters who ended up on the wrong end of her high kicking shoes. Eventually she began working for the legendary safe cracker, Fingers McCoy, until he was arrested on several counts of armed robbery, unarmed robbery, legless robbery and window licking. Alone and without any moleskine notebooks, she drifted through the following year eating pizzas and drinking salty water. A chance encounter in an amusement arcade put her into contact with Peter Orlovsky and eventually with Nosher Merril. She has continued to be the strong arm of the Garré gang.

With the new gang in place, Martin Garré and his more intelligent wife were set to take over the entire cheese smuggling operations in the whole of New Zealand.

Unbeknownst to them, however, forces were at work that would put a stop their criminal activities forever.


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