A hostile takeover of the Garrē Gang took place on
the 15th October 1986. The five former members of the gang were
replaced by a gang that were much more determined and ruthless. Fortunately,
the police records of the five new members are still available for the public
to see in the Orangatanga Police Record Museum.
 |
| Martin Garre mugshot |
“A wonderful museum. Walk
around to the strains of Every Breath You
Take, looking at all the police records of Orangatanga from 1899 to the
present day,” says the Lonely Planet Guide
to the Police Record Museums of New Zealand.
 |
| The now out of print Prison Record Museums of New Zealand |
The police records of the new gang have not been
published since the spectacular capture of Martin Garré and his more
intelligent wife.
DESCRIPTION
Name: Merrill, James
Alias: Nosher
Age: Unknown
Height: 5’10”
Hair: Yes
Eyes: Both of them
Complexion: Weary
Where Born: In Hospital
Occupation: Criminal
Distinguishing Marks: A+ in Religious
Studies
REPORT
Nosher Merrill seems to be the
leader of the five-man crew that replaced the previous five-man crew that
disappeared without a trace on a rainy night in Georgia. Despite his brutish
appearance Nosher has a passion for bonsai. “For once in my life,” he is
reported to have said to the warden, “I feel fine, but I still haven’t found
what I’m looking for.” It was said that when he was in his cell on a previous
conviction for dwarf rolling he had a whole forest of tiny trees which he
nurtured with love and care. Nobody was allowed to touch them and, in fact
when one inmate moved one of his precious trees, Nosher responded by saying,
“That’s not the way – ah ha ah ha – I like them,” before knocking the inmate into
the middle of next week. When he was not involved with his bonsai he indulged
himself in the ancient art of bare-knuckle fighting where he fought only weasly
looking men called Warren.
DESCRIPTION
Name: Bradley, George
Alias: Big Daddy
Age: Unknown
Height: Quite tall
Hair: Thinning
Eyes: Blue
Complexion: Worn
Where Born: Somewhere
Occupation: Criminal
Distinguishing Marks: Scar on
Right Side of Cheek
 |
| George Bradley mugshot |
REPORT
Big Daddy Bradley has a history of
explosives related crimes. He started blowing things up as early as the age of
six when he placed a small explosive charge under the seat of the toilet and
waited for his father to sit down. The charge worked on the weight of the
subject and after a particularly spicy curry, his father sat down to do his
business and as soon as the faecal matter left his backside and plopped into
the bowl the charge went off, blowing his him off the toilet and out through
the wall, where he landed safely (apart from the 1st degree burns to
his posterior)into the next-door neighbour’s wheelbarrow. Since then Big Daddy
has blown up buses, boats and many more toilets.
DESCRIPTION
Name: Nixon, Claire
Alias: Flat Face
Age: Didn’t ask
Height: 5’6”
Hair: On Head
Eyes: Normal
Complexion: Soft
Where Born: In Bed
Occupation: Criminal
Distinguishing Marks: A Flat Face
 |
| Claire Nixon mugshot |
REPORT
Following an allergic reaction to
an ant eater’s tongue Ms Nixon’s face inflated to three times its normal size.
She came from a very well to do family in Wellington and indeed was already a
published author before she turned to a life of crime. Her book Meals My Maids Made was an instant
success amongst the upper crust of New Zealand. Abandoned by her family after
her face looked like it was never going to return to its normal size, Ms Nixon
wandered the streets looking for work. Several jobs in the circus were offered to her – lion
tamer, target for the knife thrower and human trampoline, until she met and
fell in love with Nosher Merrill. She specialises in poisoning her victims or
hitting them over the head with metal objects, usually cans.
 |
| The now out of print Meals My Maids Made |
DESCRIPTION
Name: Orlovsky, Peter
Alias: Brains
Age: Undetermined
Height: 5’10”
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Blue
Complexion: Pale
Where Born: Paddington
Occupation: Criminal
Distinguishing Marks: Wears glasses
 |
| Peter Orlovsky mugshot |
REPORT
Mr Orlovsky is definitely the
brains of the new, improved Garré gang, as he is the only one with any formal
qualifications. Being British he naturally thinks he is more intelligent than
the rest of the gang and he is not averse to showing his colleagues in crime
his treasured B grade GCE Certificate in Geography. Orlovsky is a key member of
the gang as it is he who puts together all the plans for any future activities,
like the time when they raided the local Amusement Arcade in Nikkinakkinori and
got away with a number of one-armed bandits (who have recently been recaptured)
and several hundred dollars worth of small change. Police said that it was “a
daring raid but they didn’t hit the jackpot” as there were several million
dollars in a nearby safe that had been left open by a disgruntled employee.
DESCRIPTION
Name: Dickinson, Emily
Alias: Kick Ass
Age: Undetermined
Height: Quite small
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Complexion: Tanned
Where Born: New Zealand
Occupation: Criminal
Distinguishing Marks: 20
 |
| Emily Dickinson mugshot |
REPORT
Coming from a family of martial
arts experts, Ms Dickinson won the coveted High Kicking and Origami
Championship in Wongawonga in 1975. She was hired by a number of dodgy
characters who ended up on the wrong end of her high kicking shoes. Eventually she
began working for the legendary safe cracker, Fingers McCoy, until he was
arrested on several counts of armed robbery, unarmed robbery, legless robbery
and window licking. Alone and without any moleskine notebooks, she drifted through
the following year eating pizzas and drinking salty water. A chance encounter
in an amusement arcade put her into contact with Peter Orlovsky and eventually
with Nosher Merril. She has continued to be the strong arm of the Garré gang.
With the new gang in place, Martin Garré and his more
intelligent wife were set to take over the entire cheese smuggling operations
in the whole of New Zealand.
Unbeknownst to them, however, forces were at work
that would put a stop their criminal activities forever.
COMING
SOON: GARRÉ GETS GREEDY!
DON’T MISS
THE NEXT EXCITING CHAPTER.
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