Chapter 24: THE TROUBLE WITH BIRDS

What follows is an article written by William Wordsworth from the popular magazine Feathered Freaks.

The August 1985 issue of Feathered Freaks

Since the prohibition of Trivial Pursuit, the crime busting team known to themselves as the Unteachables, led by Eric ‘Loch’ Ness have been involved in an ongoing investigation into the possible criminal activities of Martin Garré, owner of the Triveasy Casino Royale-With Cheese, and his more intelligent wife. They seem to have been implicated in the wholesale smuggling of inferior Australian Bitey cheese into New Zealand where it is being passed off of Mature Cheddar.

Martin Garré denied any involvement in the smuggling operation. “I’m just an ordinary businessman trying to make a living,” he said. “I couldn’t possibly comment on the business, obviously, as my more intelligent wife handles all the administration, financial and legal stuff.”

“This is just the thin edge of the wedge,” Eric Ness was reported to have said, “if this continues New Zealanders will have forgotten the taste of Mature Cheddar and it will be the inferior Australian product that has replaced it that will be remembered everyone’s taste buds.”

This was all before a member of the Unteachables was linked to a bizarre sex scandal involving a pigeon, a condom and a blowtorch.

Since their inception the Unteachables have courted controversy with a cocktail of needless violent behaviour and unusual questioning techniques but this latest incident seems set to rock the entire criminal justice establishment in New Zealand to its foundations.

Miss Ernestina Cook, who is a permanent resident of the Wongawonga Rest Home, claims that she witnessed the sordid sex act taking place between the unnamed member of the Unteachables and the innocent bird.

Miss Cook was concealed in a pile of old tyres, watching the popular television soap opera Shortarse Street through her binoculars when a strange noise made her look across the road. The Rest Home overlooks the house of the Unteachables operative in question and it was there that she spotted the unfortunate pigeon fluttering in its cage.

“Some people call them doves,” she told this reporter, “but they’re not – they’re vermin – rats of the sky – and they should all be exterminated. Saying that, it did have a beautiful plumage and it seemed happy enough in its environment . . . well, that was until a rather tall gentleman came out of the house and stepped into the cage with it.”

When asked if she could describe what happened next Miss Cook claimed that an indescribable sex act took place.

“After he had finished with that poor bird he threw the condom into the bin and put his clothes back on. Before leaving the cage he incinerated the bird with the blowtorch, to prevent it, I can only assume, from giving evidence against him. He then drove off in the direction of Orangatanga in an Austin 1100.”

“I used to conceal myself in a cardboard box and watch his attempts to reverse park his Austin 1100,” Miss Cook said. “He was a danger to the public. People used to come from miles just to see it and bets were often laid on his performance. What he managed to miss at the back, he was sure to make up for at the front. Bus drivers and taxis changed their routes just to avoid him.”

Unfortunately there were no other witnesses to the alleged sex act, but Eric ‘Loch’ Ness of the Unteachables will be sure to face angry questions from pigeon fanciers from every corner of New Zealand over this latest controversy.

For legal reasons we are unable to name the Unteachables operative involved. We can, however, say that he is married with two children and that his wife, Mrs Edith Molehusband, has refused to comment.

Miss Cook, who is 98, has a history of mental illness and has been a resident of the Wongawonga Rest Home since 1961, when failing health forced her to give up her chairwomanship of the Nikknakkinori Hiding in Unusual Places Soceity. She recently enrolled in Seal Clubbers Anonymous.

In 1960 she was at the centre of the notorious White Dove Affair when she attempted to bring a prosecution against the management board of the Office of Fair Trading claiming that sexual intercourse had taken place between them and a flock of White Doves.

In an unrelated incident, the Unteachables operative Buster Duran has been charged by the Justice Department of Animal Welfare (Seabird Division) with cruelty to animals. He was reported to the JDAW(SD) by a passer-by  after they witnessed him feeding bread to the gulls on the coast road leading to Nikkinakkinori.

“I thought he was either a regular person who liked gulls or just some raving nutter, you know, like the ones who randomly shout obscenities at trains and librarians. He was chuckling to himself as he threw the chunks of bread into the air,” claimed the passer-by. “Little did I know that the bread had been impregnated with bicarbonate of soda.”

The passer-by watched in horror as the gulls soared up into the air only to lose altitude as the bicarbonated bread expanded in their stomachs. Before they reached the ground the unfortunate birds exploded in mid air, showering their innards on the unsuspecting people gathered on the beach below them.

101 Impractical Uses for Bicarbonate of Soda by Buster Duran

Bicarbonate of soda can also be used to remove plastic bread wrappers from toasters and to scald chickens.

Mr Duran has been charged with crimes against seabirds and is being held at the Orangatanga Detention Centre pending further investigation.

With two members of the Unteachables out of action, it looks like Eric Ness is going to have a tough time ahead.

Buster Duran’s books, Ultra-violence for Dummies and 101 Impractical Uses for Bicarbonate of Soda or both available from Possum Books.

Ultra-Violence For Dummies by Buster Duran

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